My Darling Daughter

You are already 7 months and time has flown by. You are grabbing things out of my hand as they pass you. You are able to stay sitting by yourself and very rarely face-planting. You do a lot of new things, you ever-growing being. But you are still that same child that I brought home from the hospital; small, wide-eyed, observant and content. You are amazing and hilarious, laughing at the walls almost every chance you get.
I grieve for you, though, happy child, for things you have to clue of.
A good friend of mine has recently given birth and in a devastating turn of events that precious baby has passed. I grieve for her parents, her family, her siblings. I grieve for myself. And I grieve for you, Sugarbaby, for that Blessedbaby that you would’ve grown up with; neither of you will get to know each other, and that is heartbreaking in and of itself. Your cliched, built-in friend is no longer bound to the Earth and I am sorry for your loss.
This Sunday is Father’s Day and I am devastated, but I can not tell for what. It is not that you do not have a definite male-role model in your life, nor that your Father, that precious Yellowman, is no longer a part of our life, but maybe because that is another huge part, another person who should’ve been a big part of your life, and is gone, regardless of the reason. I am scared of the resentment that may fall on me for that in later years. And I hope that you will (instead) always realize that all families look different and that is ok; you are not loved any less. We are constantly changing people in our lives, switching the bad for good until we find the best people of all. I am sorry that ..I am not sure. Sorry that you may one day question why someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally had to step away. But I hope that one day you will understand and never let it impact your self esteem, that some people just need to grow more themselves and away from others, to give them the freedom and the type and amount of love they deserve. I hope you always realize that it had nothing to do with you, but personal conflicts with oneself.
I love you, and I am here for you and I will be strong enough for you when others falter, child. For that is what I was made to do. I will comfort you when you are sad. I will smile at the smallest things. I will yell at the ceiling fan right along with you. I will help you imagine those who we have lost. I will work with you to leap over any constricting boundaries you may run in to. I will be here. And when I can’t assist you and help you how you need, I will support those who can. Mostly, though, I will just laugh with you as much as possible.


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